A cool-headed playwright outwits an armed intruder using nothing but his wit and presence of mind! Douglas James’s If I Were You is a tense, funny one-act play that proves brains beat bullets — courage and quick thinking can defeat even a dangerous criminal.
✏️ Author
Douglas James — the play is a short, suspense-filled one-act drama with sharp, snappy dialogue.
🎭 Genre
A one-act play (thriller-comedy) — built on suspense, clever talk and a surprise twist.
🏠 Setting
A lonely cottage at Essex, in the comfortable sitting-room of Gerrard, a single man living by himself.
👥 Characters
Gerrard, a witty playwright, and the Intruder, a desperate, dangerous criminal.
The two characters
Gerrard is the hero of the play. He is a clever, witty and self-confident man who lives alone in a lonely cottage and works in the theatre, arranging and supplying things for plays. He is fond of long, dramatic speeches and even when a gun is pointed at him he does not panic. His sharp mind, calmness and sense of humour are his greatest weapons. The Intruder is a cunning criminal who has just committed a murder and is on the run from the police. He is rough, smart in his own way, and armed with a revolver. He plans to kill Gerrard, take over his identity and live as Gerrard so that the police, believing the criminal is dead, will stop chasing him. He is confident and threatening but, in the end, he is no match for Gerrard’s superior intelligence.
The Intruder breaks in
The play opens with Gerrard busy in his room, casually talking on the telephone and packing things, when a man — the Intruder — suddenly appears with a gun in his hand. He orders Gerrard to put up his hands and stop moving. The Intruder is rude, smug and clearly enjoys having the upper hand. Gerrard, however, remains surprisingly calm and even teases the man, speaking in a light, theatrical manner that puzzles the criminal. This unusual reaction is the first hint that Gerrard is not an ordinary, frightened victim.
The Intruder’s plan
The Intruder reveals that he has been watching Gerrard. He has noticed that Gerrard lives alone, keeps strange hours, has mysterious visitors and is rarely known to people around. The Intruder explains his clever scheme: since the two men are about the same build, he intends to shoot Gerrard dead and then take his name and identity. He himself is a wanted murderer; if “Gerrard” is found dead, the police will close the case and the criminal will be free to live safely under Gerrard’s name. He boasts that he is “Vincent Otis” in trouble and that being Gerrard will solve all his problems. He believes he has thought of everything.
Gerrard turns the tables — the bluff
Instead of begging for his life, Gerrard listens carefully and then plays his master-stroke. He calmly informs the Intruder that he has made a serious mistake — that Gerrard, too, is a criminal on the run, a man wanted for murder who is at that very moment about to flee because the police are closing in! He tells the Intruder that killing him would be foolish, because the police already have Gerrard’s description; if the Intruder takes Gerrard’s identity, he will be hunted as a murderer just the same. Gerrard spins this story so convincingly — mentioning a waiting getaway, a disguise and a secret exit — that the Intruder begins to lose his confidence. Gerrard offers him a way out: come with him and escape together, using Gerrard’s ready-made plan.
The trick and the trap
Gerrard tells the Intruder that there is a special exit — a way out through a small door — and offers to show it to him. The Intruder, now confused and tempted by the idea of an easy escape, lowers his guard. Gerrard leads him towards what is actually a cupboard. As the Intruder peers in, Gerrard cleverly pushes him inside and slams the door shut, trapping him. The dangerous criminal, who came to kill and steal an identity, is now locked in a cupboard, helpless.
The clever ending
With the Intruder safely trapped, Gerrard coolly picks up the telephone and calls the police, asking them to come and collect their man. He even remarks that he now has wonderful material for a new play! The truth is revealed: Gerrard is not a criminal at all — he works in the theatre and simply invented the whole gangster story on the spot. The title If I Were You comes from Gerrard’s mocking line to the Intruder — “if I were you” — as he advises the trapped man. The play ends in Gerrard’s complete victory, won entirely by his wit, courage and presence of mind rather than by any weapon.
- The armed Intruder breaks into Gerrard’s lonely cottage.
- He reveals his plan: kill Gerrard and steal his identity to escape the police.
- Gerrard stays calm and bluffs that he himself is a wanted murderer.
- He convinces the Intruder that taking his identity means being hunted too.
- Gerrard offers a fake “escape route” and tricks him towards a cupboard.
- He pushes the Intruder into the cupboard, locks it, and phones the police.
“Presence of mind is more powerful than a weapon.” Discuss this with reference to If I Were You.
- Set up the danger — an armed criminal versus an unarmed man.
- Show how Gerrard uses calmness instead of fear.
- Explain the bluff and how it weakens the Intruder.
- Conclude with the cupboard trick and the message.
Sketch the character of Gerrard as it emerges from the play.
- Introduce Gerrard — his work and way of life.
- Bring out his calmness and courage under threat.
- Highlight his wit and clever planning.
- End with his sense of humour and final triumph.
Remember Gerrard’s winning steps with “C-B-T”: Calm (he never panics) → Bluff (claims he is also a wanted murderer) → Trap (pushes the Intruder into the cupboard and phones the police). And the lesson in one line: brains beat bullets.
Remember that Gerrard is NOT really a criminal — he only pretends to be a wanted murderer to confuse the Intruder. Do not write that Gerrard shot or fought the Intruder; he defeats him entirely by cleverness, tricking him into a cupboard. Also note the “secret exit” is actually just a cupboard, and the play ends with Gerrard calling the police — not with any violence.
Q1. What was the Intruder’s plan, and why did he choose Gerrard?
Answer: The Intruder was a wanted criminal who had committed murder and was being hunted by the police. His plan was to kill Gerrard, take over his name and identity, and live as Gerrard so that the police, believing the criminal was dead, would stop searching for him. He chose Gerrard because the two men were of similar build, and because Gerrard lived alone in a lonely cottage, kept irregular hours, had mysterious visitors and was not well known to people around — making it easy for the Intruder to step into his life unnoticed. He believed this clever scheme would let him escape the law forever.
Q2. How did Gerrard manage to outwit the Intruder?
Answer: Gerrard outwitted the Intruder through presence of mind and clever talk. Instead of showing fear, he stayed calm and invented a convincing story that he himself was a criminal wanted for murder and was about to flee from the police. This made the Intruder realise that taking Gerrard’s identity would only get him caught, ruining his plan. Gerrard then offered to help the Intruder escape and led him towards a “special exit,” which was really a cupboard. When the Intruder went to look, Gerrard pushed him inside and locked the door, then telephoned the police. Thus, without any weapon, Gerrard turned the tables completely on the armed criminal.
Q3. “Why, you’re crazy.” What made the Intruder say this, and was Gerrard really crazy?
Answer: The Intruder said this because Gerrard behaved in a way no frightened victim would. Even with a gun pointed at him, Gerrard remained calm, witty and talkative, joking and giving long dramatic speeches instead of pleading for his life. To the Intruder, such fearless, light-hearted behaviour seemed mad. But Gerrard was not crazy at all; he was actually very intelligent and was deliberately keeping his cool to study the Intruder and to gain time. His apparent “madness” was really a clever strategy that allowed him to think clearly, spin his bluff and finally trap the criminal.
Q4. What is the significance of the title If I Were You?
Answer: The title comes from Gerrard’s words to the Intruder when he gives him mocking “advice” on how to escape — speaking as if to say, “If I were in your place, this is what I would do.” The title is ironic and fitting because the Intruder literally wishes to become Gerrard — to take his identity and live as him. Gerrard cleverly uses this very desire against the criminal. The phrase highlights the central idea of the play: that one man tries to step into another’s shoes, but is defeated by the cleverness of the man he hoped to replace. Thus the title captures both the Intruder’s scheme and Gerrard’s witty triumph.
- ✅ If I Were You by Douglas James is a one-act play set in Gerrard’s lonely cottage.
- ✅ An armed Intruder plans to kill Gerrard and steal his identity to escape the police.
- ✅ Gerrard stays calm and bluffs that he too is a wanted murderer.
- ✅ He tricks the Intruder towards a cupboard, pushes him in and locks it.
- ✅ Theme: courage, wit and presence of mind defeat brute force — brains beat bullets.
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